Yesterday was a good day.
How long has it been since I've had what I would call a good day? Aside from a few small high points, pretty much no good days for seven weeks now. The news is bad and worse, and it's everywhere I turn. All media, all the time, all coronavirus. Facebook posts, NPR radio, and certainly everywhere on TV. I know that being bombarded with so much information and so much bad news is not a good thing, yet I find myself unable to turn away.
Until yesterday. This week, beginning on Monday, May 4, the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute (OLLI) at Florida State University began an online version of our annual Maymester. Continuing for three weeks, Maymester features morning and afternoon classes lasting for two hours each, Monday through Thursday.
Monday, I joined my first class, exploring the history of musical theater. Tuesday, I joined a Cosmology class, which certainly had a much broader perspective than the troubles of our Earth. And yesterday, along with the hubs, we explored Croatian history and how football rules the world.
In just three days, I have been transported. Through the teaching genius of distinguished FSU faculty and researchers, I have left the virus behind and plopped myself into other times and other worlds. And last night, I felt a resurgence of the energy that I thought had deserted me forever. I actually played with the dog.
I've loved OLLI at FSU since I joined back in January of 2007, becoming addicted to the joy of learning simply for its own sake, the accumulation of so many new friends, some of whom are true soulmates, and traveling with like-minded folks who have left business attire behind for comfortable clothes and sensible shoes. This group doesn't worry about blow dryers and hot rollers, stiletto heels, thousand-dollar suits and brown shoes with black pants. We love architecture, history, literature, science, sports, and the universe.
I've decided that, given the choice, I would prefer to be in the company of this august bunch while we learn together. But just seeing the faces of so many friends on my computer screen helps. And I think my brain had actually begun to shrivel - it responded like a flower to a rain shower to the wonderful classes I have "attended" this week.
Perspective. Thanks, OLLI.
Thursday, May 7, 2020
Saturday, April 25, 2020
Pandemic journal - Wednesday, April 8 - Friday, April 24, 2020
I see by the calendar that it's been 2.5 weeks since I posted to this journal - a rather hectic 2.5 weeks in which my (virtual) activity level has been ramped up considerably.
We at NAMI Tallahassee have partnered with the other NAMI affiliates between Tally and the Alabama border to launch online support groups, hoping to reach folks in rural counties (of which there are quite a few) who have no other access to mental health support - certainly not many which are free, as ours are. This has proven to be a huge task and one for which I'm not suited. The technology part just wears me out. Some days, I've had waaay more conversations on the phone and on videoconferencing than I wish. Then there are the Zoom meetings with family (once a week), the OLLI book club on Zoom (once a month), the Skype calls for the Mental Health Council, the telehealth doc appointments - it's exhausting.
And strangely, I've almost come to resent any disturbance to the quiet around here. We are both sleeping a lot, working puzzles, doing a little bit of yard work, etc., etc. Trudy takes some attention, although she's a good dog and not too needy. I do a lot of reading and thinking and yelling at the TV. And I must continually try to replenish my already-low-level well of patience as I deal with the hub's anxiety and lack of engagement. I can see him regressing to pre-gym levels of lethargy.
In fact, that is my strongest wish, to have his gym re-open. The boxing program he attends three times a week has made a huge difference in both his physical and mental condition. He was really on a roll, then, boom, nothing. The gym offers two thirty-minute sessions on Zoom every week, and that's helping, but just barely.
I'm beginning to feel a little more like there's an actual future ahead, though. I know that our country cannot continue on its present course for very much longer. What we are asking ourselves to do flies in the face of human nature. We are social creatures, and we need to work. This is perceived wisdom in my world; I spend a lot of time advocating for people with disabilities who NEED to work. I don't know if it's cultural or actually something on the DNA level, but American adults, for the most part, need to be at least a little bit busy. It goes beyond the actual system of survival in our country, where if you don't work, you don't eat (or at least not very well). It seems that most of us, even the kids, just miss having something to do. Period.
SO - unstoppable force meets unmovable object, and something has to give. My money is on the quarantine's collapse.
We at NAMI Tallahassee have partnered with the other NAMI affiliates between Tally and the Alabama border to launch online support groups, hoping to reach folks in rural counties (of which there are quite a few) who have no other access to mental health support - certainly not many which are free, as ours are. This has proven to be a huge task and one for which I'm not suited. The technology part just wears me out. Some days, I've had waaay more conversations on the phone and on videoconferencing than I wish. Then there are the Zoom meetings with family (once a week), the OLLI book club on Zoom (once a month), the Skype calls for the Mental Health Council, the telehealth doc appointments - it's exhausting.
And strangely, I've almost come to resent any disturbance to the quiet around here. We are both sleeping a lot, working puzzles, doing a little bit of yard work, etc., etc. Trudy takes some attention, although she's a good dog and not too needy. I do a lot of reading and thinking and yelling at the TV. And I must continually try to replenish my already-low-level well of patience as I deal with the hub's anxiety and lack of engagement. I can see him regressing to pre-gym levels of lethargy.
In fact, that is my strongest wish, to have his gym re-open. The boxing program he attends three times a week has made a huge difference in both his physical and mental condition. He was really on a roll, then, boom, nothing. The gym offers two thirty-minute sessions on Zoom every week, and that's helping, but just barely.
I'm beginning to feel a little more like there's an actual future ahead, though. I know that our country cannot continue on its present course for very much longer. What we are asking ourselves to do flies in the face of human nature. We are social creatures, and we need to work. This is perceived wisdom in my world; I spend a lot of time advocating for people with disabilities who NEED to work. I don't know if it's cultural or actually something on the DNA level, but American adults, for the most part, need to be at least a little bit busy. It goes beyond the actual system of survival in our country, where if you don't work, you don't eat (or at least not very well). It seems that most of us, even the kids, just miss having something to do. Period.
SO - unstoppable force meets unmovable object, and something has to give. My money is on the quarantine's collapse.
Wednesday, April 8, 2020
Pandemic journal - Monday, April 6-Tuesday, April 7, 2020
Yesterday (Tuesday) I had some adventures.
I took my newly-acquired cloth mask and drove to Tallahassee Primary Care Associates for bloodwork. TPCA has it going on, for sure. Two ladies sat at a table outside the front door and did a little screening interview: have I traveled? am I sick? do I have a fever? have I been around anyone who is sick? Since all my answers were in the negative, they then asked what I was there for, and I said bloodwork. Their response was funny: "Go ahead, you should get right in, you are the only one here."
And sure enough, I was the only one in the waiting area. I went right in, was greeted by the lab tech, sat right down - and couldn't figure out what to do with my big fat purse. So I kept it in my lap, trying not to touch the arms of the chair. This is truly an alternate universe.
A big downside of wearing a cloth mask: muffled speech. Plus no one can see me smile. I felt myself smiling at people. I wondered if they were smiling at me. I don't think I like this mask thing at all.
After the lab, I stopped at Publix to pick up a prescription and the four things they didn't have when I shopped on Friday. They had all four. Now I am resolved to stay away from Publix for two weeks, for sure.
Positive tests continue to show up in our county. I'm truly worried about how our hospitals will cope. My feeling is that the lack of quick turnaround testing has so seriously exacerbated this problem that even our little community might be overwhelmed. Since folks showing up at the hospital are untested, the assumption must be that they have the virus, thereby calling for full PPE for staff who care for them. The vast majority turn out to not have the virus, but much safety equipment has been expended over the ridiculous amount of time it takes to get test results. This is inefficiency and dangerous mismanagement of the highest order.
Assigning blame at this point seems to be a waste of time - but I continue to feel that NO ONE IS TRYING TO FIX IT. We so desperately need a quick turnaround test. I know they exist - powerful people are getting it. Why isn't it available at least for our hospitals? No one seems to be able to answer that question.
Uncertainty. It's getting increasingly tough to deal with.
I took my newly-acquired cloth mask and drove to Tallahassee Primary Care Associates for bloodwork. TPCA has it going on, for sure. Two ladies sat at a table outside the front door and did a little screening interview: have I traveled? am I sick? do I have a fever? have I been around anyone who is sick? Since all my answers were in the negative, they then asked what I was there for, and I said bloodwork. Their response was funny: "Go ahead, you should get right in, you are the only one here."
And sure enough, I was the only one in the waiting area. I went right in, was greeted by the lab tech, sat right down - and couldn't figure out what to do with my big fat purse. So I kept it in my lap, trying not to touch the arms of the chair. This is truly an alternate universe.
A big downside of wearing a cloth mask: muffled speech. Plus no one can see me smile. I felt myself smiling at people. I wondered if they were smiling at me. I don't think I like this mask thing at all.
After the lab, I stopped at Publix to pick up a prescription and the four things they didn't have when I shopped on Friday. They had all four. Now I am resolved to stay away from Publix for two weeks, for sure.
Positive tests continue to show up in our county. I'm truly worried about how our hospitals will cope. My feeling is that the lack of quick turnaround testing has so seriously exacerbated this problem that even our little community might be overwhelmed. Since folks showing up at the hospital are untested, the assumption must be that they have the virus, thereby calling for full PPE for staff who care for them. The vast majority turn out to not have the virus, but much safety equipment has been expended over the ridiculous amount of time it takes to get test results. This is inefficiency and dangerous mismanagement of the highest order.
Assigning blame at this point seems to be a waste of time - but I continue to feel that NO ONE IS TRYING TO FIX IT. We so desperately need a quick turnaround test. I know they exist - powerful people are getting it. Why isn't it available at least for our hospitals? No one seems to be able to answer that question.
Uncertainty. It's getting increasingly tough to deal with.
Monday, April 6, 2020
Pandemic journal - Thursday, April 2 - Sunday, April 5, 2020
One would think I had a busy life, given my lack of journaling for the past few days. And really, things have been a bit busy - but in a different way from my usual routine. I have spent much time either preparing for videoconference meetings or participating in them, and because my comprehension level about the technology is a bit shaky, it's pretty exhausting to try and hang on.
SO - thoughts from the last few days:
Things I have noticed:
1. People look pretty awful on the screen. I have renewed admiration for screen actors, and especially for their makeup and hair people. No one has makeup. No one has had a haircut for weeks. No one is shaving.
2. There are far more children in our neighborhood than I realized. With the beautiful weather we have been having and with families staying at home, outside activity has increased considerably. And here I thought we were all old, retired people!
3. Along those lines, we have far more dogs than I realized. I assume most of these pets were inside their homes during the day while their families were at work and school. During my dog-walking times (7:30-ish in the morning and 5:00-ish in the afternoon), those dogs haven't been out and about. Nowadays, they are everywhere at all times. This presents some logistical problems for Miss Trudy and me, since she wants to engage with every single one of them.
4. Traffic - there isn't much. We are doing the occasional takeout meal and I am the designated fetcher. Our neighborhood empties into one of the busiest traffic arteries in town. Now, not so much. It's nice, but I feel guilty for being on the road. Small silver lining: I filled my gas tank two weeks ago, and have driven under 30 miles since then.
5. Fear. I need to get bloodwork done. Even though the large physician practice I call home has in-house lab services, and they promise that they have strict hygiene protocols in place, I still think - do I really want to go into a building with all those sick people?
6. Inertia, a problem I have had to be aware of in the past and work hard to avoid, has now become endemic in our house. We could be doing so much - that pantry really needs reorganizing. Instead, I read. I work on the World's Most Ridiculous Jigsaw Puzzle (three weeks and counting).
7. Symptoms. It's allergy season. My nose runs. I cough. I am hoarse. I gobble Vitamin C gummies and zinc drops. My symptoms don't go away, but they don't get worse. Safe for another day.
Today, which is a Monday (my favorite day of the week - a clean slate, as it were) and I have some things to do. Change the hummingbird feeder. Order some zinnia seeds from Amazon. Work on some paperwork for my sister. Host a Zoom meeting this evening with family members. And there's that damn puzzle ....
SO - thoughts from the last few days:
Things I have noticed:
1. People look pretty awful on the screen. I have renewed admiration for screen actors, and especially for their makeup and hair people. No one has makeup. No one has had a haircut for weeks. No one is shaving.
2. There are far more children in our neighborhood than I realized. With the beautiful weather we have been having and with families staying at home, outside activity has increased considerably. And here I thought we were all old, retired people!
3. Along those lines, we have far more dogs than I realized. I assume most of these pets were inside their homes during the day while their families were at work and school. During my dog-walking times (7:30-ish in the morning and 5:00-ish in the afternoon), those dogs haven't been out and about. Nowadays, they are everywhere at all times. This presents some logistical problems for Miss Trudy and me, since she wants to engage with every single one of them.
4. Traffic - there isn't much. We are doing the occasional takeout meal and I am the designated fetcher. Our neighborhood empties into one of the busiest traffic arteries in town. Now, not so much. It's nice, but I feel guilty for being on the road. Small silver lining: I filled my gas tank two weeks ago, and have driven under 30 miles since then.
5. Fear. I need to get bloodwork done. Even though the large physician practice I call home has in-house lab services, and they promise that they have strict hygiene protocols in place, I still think - do I really want to go into a building with all those sick people?
6. Inertia, a problem I have had to be aware of in the past and work hard to avoid, has now become endemic in our house. We could be doing so much - that pantry really needs reorganizing. Instead, I read. I work on the World's Most Ridiculous Jigsaw Puzzle (three weeks and counting).
7. Symptoms. It's allergy season. My nose runs. I cough. I am hoarse. I gobble Vitamin C gummies and zinc drops. My symptoms don't go away, but they don't get worse. Safe for another day.
Today, which is a Monday (my favorite day of the week - a clean slate, as it were) and I have some things to do. Change the hummingbird feeder. Order some zinnia seeds from Amazon. Work on some paperwork for my sister. Host a Zoom meeting this evening with family members. And there's that damn puzzle ....
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Pandemic journal - Tuesday, March 31-Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Reading a pretty amazing column from the New York Times columnist David Brooks this morning gave me some food for thought. Entitled "The Moral Meaning of the Plague," it's well worth reading. He quotes Viktor Frankl: "[Meaning in a crisis] comes from three things: the work we offer in times of crisis, the love we give and our ability to display courage in the face of suffering."
I keep reminding myself of how lucky we are: we have enough. As I work with colleagues to provide support for families whose loved ones live with mental illness, I do feel as though someone, somewhere, will benefit. As I worry about our children and their children, I remember to tell them often how much we love them and how much we admire their courage and commitment to their young families. I think that is at least a start on the first two things.
I'm not sure what qualifies as courage for this old lady who is in excellent health, blessed with strength and intellect and enough money to survive. I can't really think what I must do that might require courage. Actually, I (selfishly) hope to never find out.
Another point Brooks makes in his column as he talks about a new introspection coming into the world is that people are asking some fundamental questions: "Are you ready to die? If your lungs filled with fluid a week from Tuesday would you be content with the life you've lived? What would you do if a loved one died? Do you know where your most trusted spiritual and relational resources lie? What role do you play in this crisis? What is the specific way you are situated to serve?"
I believe that I will spend a few hours thinking about this. Time to quit pouting and make a plan.
I keep reminding myself of how lucky we are: we have enough. As I work with colleagues to provide support for families whose loved ones live with mental illness, I do feel as though someone, somewhere, will benefit. As I worry about our children and their children, I remember to tell them often how much we love them and how much we admire their courage and commitment to their young families. I think that is at least a start on the first two things.
I'm not sure what qualifies as courage for this old lady who is in excellent health, blessed with strength and intellect and enough money to survive. I can't really think what I must do that might require courage. Actually, I (selfishly) hope to never find out.
Another point Brooks makes in his column as he talks about a new introspection coming into the world is that people are asking some fundamental questions: "Are you ready to die? If your lungs filled with fluid a week from Tuesday would you be content with the life you've lived? What would you do if a loved one died? Do you know where your most trusted spiritual and relational resources lie? What role do you play in this crisis? What is the specific way you are situated to serve?"
I believe that I will spend a few hours thinking about this. Time to quit pouting and make a plan.
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Pandemic journal - Friday, March 27-Monday, March 30, 2020
No posts for the past several days - my heart just hasn't been in it. Given that I have almost nothing to complain about, since we have plenty to eat, a functioning air conditioning system, beautiful weather, almost unlimited TV, a very sweet fur baby, and each other - life still seems so disorienting that I function in kind of a perpetual semi-exhausted state.
And no, it's not the virus. I'm thinking I may understand just a little bit of what folks go through who live with depression. It wears you out.
SO - today, I have some calls and video meetings, and a little sliver of time to write a bit, so here I am.
It's finally sinking in that even when we pass our "surge" point (that is, when our hospitals begin to look like MASH units and are doing wartime triage to decide who lives and who dies), this virus is probably with us for the long haul. If heat kills it, that's okay for Florida in the summertime - but will it come roaring back in the winter? And more important, at least to me, is how long will it take for our distrust of each other's physical presence to wear off? I am getting accustomed to avoiding people. And, horror of horrors, video meetings and social events and family gatherings are sweeping the nation. It's the ultimate nightmare: a life lived entirely on screens.
I hate this. As a lifelong optimist, I'm having my nose rubbed in it. It's hard to see any light at the end of this tunnel, and I've always been able to see the light.
And no, it's not the virus. I'm thinking I may understand just a little bit of what folks go through who live with depression. It wears you out.
SO - today, I have some calls and video meetings, and a little sliver of time to write a bit, so here I am.
It's finally sinking in that even when we pass our "surge" point (that is, when our hospitals begin to look like MASH units and are doing wartime triage to decide who lives and who dies), this virus is probably with us for the long haul. If heat kills it, that's okay for Florida in the summertime - but will it come roaring back in the winter? And more important, at least to me, is how long will it take for our distrust of each other's physical presence to wear off? I am getting accustomed to avoiding people. And, horror of horrors, video meetings and social events and family gatherings are sweeping the nation. It's the ultimate nightmare: a life lived entirely on screens.
I hate this. As a lifelong optimist, I'm having my nose rubbed in it. It's hard to see any light at the end of this tunnel, and I've always been able to see the light.
Thursday, March 26, 2020
Pandemic journal, Tuesday-Thursday, March 24-26, 2020
Tuesday morning I didn't feel very well. I could see Wednesday coming up - the two-year anniversary of my dad's death. Lost in those memories, worrying about the virus, knowing that the very best plan for our country is probably a two-month stay-at-home, plus a little bit of sore throat: my breakfast wasn't too pleasant.
Additionally, Monday night our air conditioning stopped working. I spent most of the morning calling for help with that, finally got our reliable a.c. guy to promise to visit Tuesday afternoon, and of course it started working again as soon as he arrived. (This feels like calling the copier repair guy to come to the office and having the damn thing start working as soon as he comes through the door.)
Anyway, by Tuesday evening we were all cooled off, I felt better, and after all, what else did I have to do all day but fret about the a.c.? Nothing.
Yesterday, Wednesday, was a better day. We ventured out to Tallahassee Nurseries where the young people (invincible all) are cheerfully keeping their distance but are palpably NOT worried. Whatever. We purchased our plants and made a quick getaway. They aren't much, but just getting them planted felt like progress.
Also activity is stirring again in the nonprofit to which I generally devote my spare time. We are working statewide to offer at least our support groups to families and their loved ones who are struggling to cope with mental illnesses that are difficult to manage even in the best of times. Speaking with colleagues even on Zoom feels like human contact, and that cheers me.
So today I am listing the elements of my "normal" life which are most important to me and contemplating how COVID-19 has affected them:
1. Sleep. No question that I am getting more of this. One of life's miseries is getting up in the dark. So far, my fur baby is cooperating, and we sleep until the sun is up. I'm not even tempted to nap during the day - a miracle!
2. Time in the morning. Morning is the best time of day for me, always has been. As the days get longer, I'll probably get up earlier (see above about getting up in the dark.) It's not the clock time, it's the daylight. When the sun comes up earlier, I will be up earlier. And I can have my breakfast, drink coffee, read the paper (in print, always), check my email, etc., etc. I don't care if it takes me until noon. This is a luxury, no question.
3. Time to read. Never enough. Now there's enough. And that's enough said.
4. Gazing out my window. Daydreaming.
5. TV. I admit it - we are addicts.
What I miss: Going out to lunch with friends. Figuring out which nights in a week I don't have to cook (cooking is not my thing). Feeling free to just grab a protein bar when I'm between meetings and don't have time for lunch. Having the house to MYSELF while the hubs is out doing his thing. (I know this is a problem many people who live alone would love to have - but I still miss a little bit of alone time.) Listening to NPR on my radio as I flit about town (I know I could listen at home, but I just don't seem to. This is weird. I MISS NPR.) OLLI classes - for learning, for socializing, for walking around the beautiful FSU campus. Calling for pizza every once in a while and not being afraid of touching the box (so we just don't do it). Haircuts. Pedicures. Seeing the grandchildren.
What I hate: Worrying about my adult children, several of whom are in high-risk jobs. Worrying that someone will get laid off. Worrying that someone will get sick. Worrying that I will get sick, and worrying how on earth the hubs would manage if that happened. Worrying that I will contract the virus while grocery shopping, but not really trusting the delivery service. Waiting for the inevitable day where I will learn that someone I know and value, or that I don't know very well, has tested positive. It's that other shoe ....
Additionally, Monday night our air conditioning stopped working. I spent most of the morning calling for help with that, finally got our reliable a.c. guy to promise to visit Tuesday afternoon, and of course it started working again as soon as he arrived. (This feels like calling the copier repair guy to come to the office and having the damn thing start working as soon as he comes through the door.)
Anyway, by Tuesday evening we were all cooled off, I felt better, and after all, what else did I have to do all day but fret about the a.c.? Nothing.
Yesterday, Wednesday, was a better day. We ventured out to Tallahassee Nurseries where the young people (invincible all) are cheerfully keeping their distance but are palpably NOT worried. Whatever. We purchased our plants and made a quick getaway. They aren't much, but just getting them planted felt like progress.
Also activity is stirring again in the nonprofit to which I generally devote my spare time. We are working statewide to offer at least our support groups to families and their loved ones who are struggling to cope with mental illnesses that are difficult to manage even in the best of times. Speaking with colleagues even on Zoom feels like human contact, and that cheers me.
So today I am listing the elements of my "normal" life which are most important to me and contemplating how COVID-19 has affected them:
1. Sleep. No question that I am getting more of this. One of life's miseries is getting up in the dark. So far, my fur baby is cooperating, and we sleep until the sun is up. I'm not even tempted to nap during the day - a miracle!
2. Time in the morning. Morning is the best time of day for me, always has been. As the days get longer, I'll probably get up earlier (see above about getting up in the dark.) It's not the clock time, it's the daylight. When the sun comes up earlier, I will be up earlier. And I can have my breakfast, drink coffee, read the paper (in print, always), check my email, etc., etc. I don't care if it takes me until noon. This is a luxury, no question.
3. Time to read. Never enough. Now there's enough. And that's enough said.
4. Gazing out my window. Daydreaming.
5. TV. I admit it - we are addicts.
What I miss: Going out to lunch with friends. Figuring out which nights in a week I don't have to cook (cooking is not my thing). Feeling free to just grab a protein bar when I'm between meetings and don't have time for lunch. Having the house to MYSELF while the hubs is out doing his thing. (I know this is a problem many people who live alone would love to have - but I still miss a little bit of alone time.) Listening to NPR on my radio as I flit about town (I know I could listen at home, but I just don't seem to. This is weird. I MISS NPR.) OLLI classes - for learning, for socializing, for walking around the beautiful FSU campus. Calling for pizza every once in a while and not being afraid of touching the box (so we just don't do it). Haircuts. Pedicures. Seeing the grandchildren.
What I hate: Worrying about my adult children, several of whom are in high-risk jobs. Worrying that someone will get laid off. Worrying that someone will get sick. Worrying that I will get sick, and worrying how on earth the hubs would manage if that happened. Worrying that I will contract the virus while grocery shopping, but not really trusting the delivery service. Waiting for the inevitable day where I will learn that someone I know and value, or that I don't know very well, has tested positive. It's that other shoe ....
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